Eyes dart and flicker

Never resting

Never landing on any one thing

At least not for very long

So much to take in

So much to see and know

 

Eyes flit about with rapidity

Micro-movements scan each detail

The size, the shape, each speck of dust

 

So very much

 

Eyes flit and meet another’s

Avert! Avert!

Too late

Contact made

 

My insides squirm and wriggle

Trying to get away

Head tries to bow

An attempt to break the contact

 

Too vulnerable

Too open

Eye contact the key to mind reading

And here I am

An open book

 

Eyes lay bare that which

Should be kept within

Revealing my core

While every nerve screams Danger!

 

Unsafe and afraid

This unwanted contact renders me

Their eyes hold mine trapped

Trapped in pain and panic

 

Eye contact is vulnerability

It’s anxiety and agony

It’s panic and pain

It’s squirming and shaking

 

My eyes are released

The panic subsides

Though discomfort lives on

My mind reels again

On a thought with no beginning or end

A repeated question always coming back

 

Why?

 

Why does it matter

If my eyes don’t meet yours?

What’s so wrong

With avoiding the pain and fear?

 

Why am I

Untrustworthy

Dishonest

Shifty

Shady

Hiding something

Not social

A liar?

 

Why do eyes signify truth?

Why are eyes meeting required for trust?

 

Why, why, why?

 

Why is the way I am

The person I am

With all my quirks

So bad?

 

Why am I not deserving of trust

Or viewed as a liar

For trying to avoid pain?

 

Why have we demonized autism?