Trapped.

 

Trapped in a body wracked with pain.

A body ever changing but always the same.

What new horror awaits me today?

 

Bowels that shift and cramp and twist.

Air passes through tunnels made too small

Encaged by alien growths that scream at the passage.

 

Joints bend and bend and bend

Far beyond supposed limitations.

Bones fall out of prescribed place.

Pop. Pop. In, out. Burning pain.

 

Limbs lay heavy fighting the weight of the ocean

Unseen, undetectable pressure pushing down

Body dragged down, sinking into the depths

Not enough strength to fight towards the surface

 

Trapped.

 

Trapped in a mind tormented

Thoughts swirl and coalesce

The dark mass grows

Eclipsing the light

 

Emotions swing in the graveyard playground

Up, up, up towards the sky, away from this place

Down, down, down falling into the darkened fog of fright

Up and down, back and forth, again, again, again,

 

My soul screams for relief

Buried alive under the weight of the earth

Darkness surrounds, encompasses, permeates

Screams fade out with no one to mourn their passing

 

Trapped.

 

Trapped in a job that will be my grave

A glass castle on a hill becomes a sick, sad joke

Look out at all the beauty that surrounds

Rolling hills, changing leaves, natures splendor beckons

 

I sit in the glass castle surrounded by opportunity

So easy to see, crystal clear, seemingly within reach

But these glass walls form iron bars

See but don’t touch, dream but never leave

 

I watch the parade again and again

Prisoners released, fresh meat carried in

The glass castle in its opulence hides many secrets

Most of all the truth that the castle is a prison

 

Trapped.

 

Trapped by broken bodies and broken minds

Trapped by structures never made for me, for us

Trapped in a world of dead ends and crushing debt

Trapped in misery and pain and encroaching darkness

 

Leave one horror to be trapped in another

Find a new prison at the expense of our bodies

 

Expense. That word. Echoing all around.

The meds to keep this broken body moving

Cost ever more and more than I can pay

Pay into a system said to keep us safe

A system designed to enrich the wealthy

While the poor and disabled die

 

Expense. I am expensive.

Treatments. Doctors. Medicines. Life.

Expenses grow while paychecks shrink.

Not enough. Never enough.

 

The monster grows and grows and grows

The debt that looms ever overhead

 

Trapped.

 

Trapped in a world not made for me.

Not made for broken bodies.

Not made for atypical minds.

 

Trapped.

 

Thoughts spiral again and again

How to pay? How to pay?

How to keep going?

How to live?

 

Trapped.

 

I see but one way out.

A way I know I musn’t take.

The permanent escape.

 

I fight and fight each day, each night.

Desperately treading in the ocean

Far out of sight of shore.

 

My legs grow weary.

Can I still fight?

My soul grows weary

Do I still want to?

Trapped.

 

Trapped in a body wracked with pain.

Trapped in a mind tormented

Trapped in a job that will be my grave

Trapped in a world not made for me.

 

Trapped (but I keep fighting).